Humor - New Year's Affirmations

In lieu of resolutions - an abridged list of New Year's affirmations:

1. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

2. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

3. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

4. I am at one with my duality.

5. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

6. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

7. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.